BABY LOVE

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Sat na hodniku KB Merkur pokazuje 8:00 sati, ležim na pomičnom ležaju i čekamda me presele u sobu sa ostalim rodiljama. Navala adrenalina i euforija od porođaja lagano prolaze, a na njihovo mjesto dolazi umor. Oči me izdaju i sve češće se zatvaraju, a bolničko osoblje koje prolazi kraj mene svaki puta me trkne i upozorava da ne smijem spavati. Umor je sve veći, a moja borba da ostanem budna postaje lakša kako počinju pristizati pozivi i poruke obitelji i prijatelja. Ubrzo dolazi sestra i vodi me u sobu. Soba broj 10 nalazi se na samom kraju hodnika i u njoj se nalaze tri kreveta i veliki aluminijski umivaonik. Sunce lupa ravno u prozor i iako je još rano u sobi je već poprilično vruće. Smještaju me na srednji  krevet, mama s moje lijeve strane drži u rukama malenog dječaka i vodi borbu sa dojenjem, savjete joj daje mama s moje desne strane kojoj je ovo drugi porod i o dojenju zna mnogo više.  Priča mi mama Ana (sa lijeve strane) da je rodila samo dan prije mene, malenog Luku u 35 tjednu trudnoće. Mališan je težak 2,500 kg, zdrav je i stalno je uz mamu. Pita me kada ću ja dobiti svoju bebu, a ja zbunjena ne znam što da joj odgovorim. Odkako su je odnijeli par minuta nakon rođenja nitko mi nije rekao kada ću je vidjeti, kada će je donijeti. Tek mi je jedna od sestara, koje su pomagale mojim cimericama u dojenju, rekla da ću sve saznati u 11 sati kada je dječja vizita. I tako prolaze minute i minute, a 11 sati nikako da dođe. Svi koji dođu savjetuju mi da se odmorim, ali kako? Sve što me zanima je kako je moja malena štruca od 2,190 gr i 48 Napokon je došao i trenutak vizite, iako je vrijeme  već debelo prošlo 11 sati. Ulazi primarius, ozbiljan gospodin u poznim godinama. Njegova pojava u meni je stvarala nelagodu, a način njegove komunikacije tu nelagodu je samo pojačavao. Nakon mojih cimerica, vrijeme je došlo i na mene. Potpuno hladnim glasom, bez trunke emocija govori mi : ″Mama vaše dijete se ne razvija dobro. Nalazi se u inkubatoru i prima dodatni kisik pošto joj se pluća nisu razvila do kraja. ″ Osjećam kako mi suze naviru na oči, ruke mi se počinju trest i čujem sebe kako ga drhtavim glasom pitam kada je mogu vidjeti. Čujem ga kako mi odgovara da ju mogu vidjeti kada želim, a istovremeno osjećam slabost u svom tijelu. Primarius odlazi, a ja ostajem plačući na krevetu. Zovem muža u panici i govorim mu sve što sam sad čula, suze se slijevaju niz moje lice i nikako ne mogu prestati jecati. U tom trenutku postajem svjesna da neću tako skoro držati svoje dijete. Pokušavam se smiriti koliko je to moguće i zovem sestru da me odvede na odjel  neonatologije da vidim svoju djevojčicu. U trenutku kada dolazim primaju novu bebu i mole me da dođem kasnije. Osjećaje koje sam tada imala nemoguće je prenijeti na papir. S ove distance čitav taj dan čini mi se kao u nekom balonu. Minutu po minutu prošlo je par sati i došlo vrijeme posjeta. Na malenom hodniku guraju se trudnice koje čuvaju trudnoću, rodilje i njihovi posjetioci. U daljini vidim muža i naše roditelje. Pošto smo imali tu sreću da svekrva radi u istoj bolnici, saznali smo da šok od vizite ranije tog dana ne bi poprimio takve razmjere da mi je primarius objasnio da je sve što se desilo mojoj curici najnormalnije s obzirom da je rođena početkom 35 tt sa malom porođajnom težinom. Hvala Bogu ništa nije bilo alarmantno, dobivala je kisik u inkubator kako bi joj olakšao disanje. Par minuta kasnije muža i mene zove pedijatrica da vidimo dijete. Ulazimo na odjel neonatologije, nakon detaljnog dezinficiranja vode nas do inkubatora gdje leži naše čudo, plod naše ljubavi. Malena žabica, sa dugim nogama i gotovo prozirnom kožom leži i spava. Ona najmanja pelena na njoj izgleda ogromno, na nosiću su joj cjevčice, a na rukicama i nožicama aparati koji mjere otkucaje i saturaciju. Srce mi se stegnulo istovremeno od sreće, jer je tu, i boli jer tako malena nije kraj mene. Doktorica nam objašnjava da je malena, ali da je sve u redu, da nema nikakvu upalu i da je važno da je u inkubatoru da još malo ojača. Napominje mi važnost majčinog mlijeka, posebice onog prvog kolostruma i potiče me na izdajanje. U tom trenutku dolazi sestra pokazati mi kako se ispravno izdojiti, prima me za bradavicu, stisne ju, a ja od boli i slabosti gubim svijest. Posjednu me da dođem k sebi i odvode natrag u sobu da se odmorim. U glavi mi je slika samo moje malene djevojčice, pričam svojim cimericama kako je savršena i pokazujem im slike najdragocjenijeg mi bića. Polako dolazi noć, a ja uz volju koju samo mama ima cijedim kapi kolostruma kako bi nahranile moju malenu, a ono baš poput najdragocjenije tekućine izlazi strahovito sporo i teško…

Bila je to prva od mnogih neprospavanih noći koje sam provela cijedeći ono najvrednije iz mojih grudi, ali nagrada koju sam dobila zauzvrat nemjerljiva je…I danas svaki  put kada prođem Zajčevom ulicom sjetim se hodnika koji od sobe 10 vodi do odjela neonatologije, sebe kako u ruci nosim bočicu izdojenog  mlijeka i pjevušim „baby love my baby love, I love you oh how I love you,“ moju verziju pjesme grupe The Supremes.

Moja žabica Dora i ja zajedničkim smo snagama izgurale 13 dana neonatologije. Bilo je to 13 dana straha, sreće, pjevanja i maženja kroz otvore u inkubatoru. 13 dana strepnje i upoznavanja. Čekale su nas još mnoge pustolovine, srećom sve ljepše, ali o njima jednom drugom prigodom…

Maja

 

The hospital clock was showing 8:00 am. I was lying in bed and waited to be transferred to the room where other mothers were. Adrenalin and euphoria from childbirth were passing, and fatigue came. My eyes were shutting down but the hospital staff reminded me regularly that I must not sleep. Tiredness was getting bigger but my struggle to stay awake became easier as the calls and messages of family and friends came. Soon the nurse came and took me to my room. Room number 10 is located at the end of the corridor and has three beds and a large aluminum washbasin. The sun came straight through the window and although it was still early, it was already very hot. They put me in the middle bed, on my left was a mother with a son, she was struggling with breastfeeding, and on my right was a woman with baby girl, second time mom. Ana (women on the left) told me that she had her son just one day earlier in 35 weeks of pregnancy. Little boy she named Luka weighed 2,500 gr, he was healthy and he was with his mom. Ana asked me when will they bring me my baby, but I was to confused to know what to answer. Since they took her a couple of minutes after the birth, no one told me when I would see her again, when they would bring her. One of the nurses said that I would find out everything at 11 am when the baby doctor comes. And so minutes passed. All those who came advised me to rest, but how? All I was interested in was my little frog who weighed only 2,190 gr and was 48 cm long. After 11 am already passed the physician finally entered. He was a serious gentleman in his 70es. His appearance was a source of discomfort for me, and the way he communicated had only increased that feeling. After my roommates, I was next. With a completely cold voice, with no emotion, hetold me, "Mom your baby is notdoes not developing well. She is in the incubator and receives additional oxygen as the lungs have not fully developed." I felt tears came to my eyes, my hands were shaking and I heard myself with trembling in my voice asking when I can see her. He answered me, at any time I wanted. At the same time I feel weakness in my whole body. He went away, and I was left crying on the bed. I called my husband in panic and told him all I've heard, tears were flowing down my face and I could not stop crying. At that point I was starting to be aware that I will not hold my child any time soon. I tried to calm down as much as possible and called nurse to take me to the neonatology department to see my baby girl. At the moment I came they were getting a new baby and ask me to come later. The feelings that I had then are impossible to express. From this distance that day seems like I was in a balloon, in a movie. 
Minute by minute, a couple of hours have passed and the time has come for a visit. Pregnant women and their visitors were being pushed in the small corridor. In the distance, I saw my husband and our parents. Since we were lucky enough to have our mother-in-law working at the same hospital, we found out that the shock of the doctors visit would not have taken such proportions if he explained that everything that  happened to my little girl, is as usual as it can get, since she was born at the beginning of the 35 week of pregnancy with a small birth weight. Thank God, nothing was alarming, she was getting oxygen into the incubator to make it easier for her to breathe. A couple of minutes later my husband and I were called by a pediatrician to see our child. We entered into  the neonatology department and after detailed disinfection went to the incubator where our miracle, the fruit of our love lied. A small frog with long legs and almost translucent skin ley and slept. The smallest diapers on her looked enormous, she was wearing the tubes, and on the hands and feet she had a device that measured the beats and saturation. My heart was shaken and happy at the same time. The doctor explained that she was small, but that everything was fine, that there was no inflammation, and that it is important for her to be in the incubator to strengthen up. She reminded me of the importance of mother's milk, especially of the first colostrum, and encouraged me to brestfead manually. At that point the nurse showed me how to properly do that, she squeezed my nipple I felt pain and weakness and lost consciousness. They helped me recover, and took me back to my room to rest. 
In my head I pictured only my tiny little girl, I talked to my roommates how perfect she was, and I showed them the pictures of my most precious being. The night came slowly, and I, with the will of a Mom, drop by drop filled the bottle with colostrum for my little one. That precious fluid was coming out terribly slow and difficult and in a very painful way...It was the first of many sleepless nights I spent taking out the most valuable of my breasts, and although it was extremely painful, the reward I receive was inevitable...

Even today, every time I pass by hospital , I remember that hallway from room 10 to the neonatology department, and vision myself with a bottle of milk in my hand, singing baby love my baby love, I love you oh how I love you,“ my version of the ”The Supremes” song.
My little frog and I went through the 13 days of neonatology together. It was 13 days of fear, happiness, singing and popping through the openings in the incubator. 13 days of fear and acquaintance. There are still many adventures waiting for us, happily much more beautiful, but about them on another occasion ...

Maja

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